Suck at gardening? Well don’t worry, with these tips and tricks you can suck even more!
- Water your plants with vodka so you don’t have to drink alone.
- Leave a bottle of water next to the plants in case they get thirsty during the night. That way you don’t have to wake up to feed them!
- Just buy plastic plants.
- Plant the seeds the right way up. You don’t want the tree growing upside-down.
- Play death metal to make it grow faster. The loud speedy BPM will get those plants dancing in no time!
- If the sun isn’t out, microwave your plant.
- If you live in a drought area then make sure to plant onions alongside your plants so if all else fails you have your tears to water them all.
- Don’t plug your phone into a plant to charge it. Photosynthesis doesn’t work like that.
- Don’t stare at plants while they’re growing. Lots of them are very shy and only grow when people aren’t looking.
- I didn’t know what flower bed meant, now i’m in a committed relationship with a cactus.
- Contrary to popular belief, roses are red but violets are violet, not blue.
- Be careful not to talk too much when cultivating your plants, oxygen doesn’t grow on trees.
- If your flowers/plants are native to certain countries (e.g: bonsai trees from Japan), be sure to sing to them in multiple languages.
- Plants don’t need love, they need discipline; fear and yelling at them makes them grow faster.
- If you have a cat or dog then make sure not to use gloves when gardening in your flowerbed.
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