When someone you know changes their pronouns the last thing you want to do is appear unsupportive by using their old ones by mistake. However, having to retrain yourself when their previous pronouns have become almost automatic can take some time. When you talk about someone you’ve known for a while, their old pronouns may just slip out when you aren’t thinking and through no fault of your own you may find yourself getting it wrong. It’s a horrible feeling. So, I thought I’d look into what tips and tricks exist to make it easier for you to help your transitioning friends feel comfortable in their new gender identity and leave the old one behind.
Practice makes Perfect!
When changing the pronouns you associate with someone, the most important thing is to build up a connotation between them and their new pronoun in your head. Practice using their new pronouns with another close friend that they’re also out to. Reminisce about them using their new pronoun to build an association between the new pronoun and them. Practice makes perfect and building up the association between that person and their new preferred pronoun will help you stop using their previous pronouns out of habit. You could also do the same thing on your own and write about them, making sure to always use their correct pronouns during this practice.
Talking and writing about them and the memories you have with them will help establish a deeper association between them and their pronouns as the pronouns will become connected to the memories and will begin to seem less like a new thing. Also, make sure to refer to them by their new pronouns in both past tense and present, even when talking about before they made the change. You could also talk to a picture of them to train yourself to associate the correct pronoun with them. It goes without saying but make sure you’re using the new pronouns for them consistently. No matter who you are talking to. The key to building an association is repetition and reinforcement.
What do I do if I get it wrong?
First of all, don’t shame people that slip up and get it wrong, support each other. Shaming people for mistakes doesn’t work in school and it won’t work here. Anyone whose trying should be encouraged and those that refuse to try aren’t worth the time.
If you say the wrong pronoun, just quickly apologise, correct yourself, and move on. For example, “he said, sorry, they said…” then move on with what you were saying. Don’t dwell on it, it was just a small mistake. Apologising profusely will just make their gender identity the topic of conversation and make the mistake become extremely intrusive. And if they begin to feel like you are dancing on eggshells when you’re talking to them it can be extremely damaging to your relationship.
Finally, don’t let the thought of getting it wrong a few times make you self-conscious or awkward when talking to them. If you get it wrong occasionally, they’ll likely understand. It’s a big change for everyone. You don’t have to be perfect right away. These things take time and what’s most important is that you’re putting in the effort. It is a positive change that will allow them to be themselves and being able to share that experience is a beautiful thing!
I hope that this article can help those out there who struggle with things like this and want to make the effort, and that it can go some way to helping to spread the love and acceptance that we are all about here at Networthpick! Do you have any similar experiences or additional tips and tricks you’d like to share? Any messages to those transitioning? Join the Networthpick community and spread the love on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram!
Thanks for reading!
Oliver is a writer and journalist who loves fantasy fiction and table top gaming, with a bit of acting on the side!
